This time will be different

So here I am sitting outside my new home having a smoke and taking a moment to appreciate what has happened. My new home isn't one I'm renting, and I'm not moving in with a guy. I actually bought this place. It's quant and perfect for me and I am having trouble grasping the realization of it all. I've had a rough couple of years...mostly relationship related but this step, this mountain I've climbed proves not only that I am motivated, but that I am capable! I'm 34 and bought my first home! I'm single and bought my first home! I keep chanting these words because it's still not sunk in. I always needed someone to help me take care of myself, or so I thought. I don't! I'm perfectly capable to work hard and buckle down when it's time to. Haha I'm so overjoyed with this step it's unbelievable. Mom showed up today with bread, wine and salt and said "bread, so this house never knows hunger, salt, so that your life is filled with flavour, wine so that all your days are filled with joy!"

It's been awhile

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I was told that my posts may be to candid and so I backed off a bit. But honestly who cares. No one reads this anyways....I'm just one in a million random people out there who says things in a somewhat public forum. I'm sad....I've been sad for years. I've never really found a place that made me feel safe or secure or complete. I was clinging onto things for awhile trying to get a glimpse of what I had. But it didn't stick. Why would it? I had this life that wasn't perfect but had it's moments. To which I held onto sometimes blindly. Nevertheless I had that. And honestly having what may be an illusion to some people was a reality for awhile. And a good one. My eyes were shut to a lot of the wrong doings...and things fell apart when my eyes opened. I've been living in a state of awareness ever since and can't ever find peace. I'm always looking for someone to talk to me, love me...even for a moment. Because after all I've been through...a moment is all that matters. I just wish they lasted longer. 

Trying...

I took this past weekend away to escape my mind and feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I had a wonderful time. I'm not sure what lies ahead for me. I hate that I'm living in a small room in a house with room mates. Something I've never done before. I feel like I can't breath. I can't paint or play guitar, there's no room for that. I'm not sure what I want or how I feel about anything. I'm really stumped. I want love but at what cost? It takes up so much time and energy and distracts me. If only there were clear answers. I feel like running away again. Go out there on my own, but I know that's not a solution. My problems would just follow me...I mean they always have. I guess I'll just have to keep trying, trying to make sense, trying to find happiness within myself. That's all I can do. 

2014 so far

I feel like I've changed everything about my life and yet it hasn't gotten any better. I don't know why I keep failing and struggling with who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I feel I'm getting older and no wiser. I'm so frustrated with my personal life I feel I'm falling into a deep dark whole and I can't get out. I cry, but not soft tears, more like a hurricane. The last 6 months have been hard. Craig was amazing in the beginning and then little by little just became reclusive and distant. He says it's not me he's says I gave him hope and that made him try so hard at first but old habits die hard. We've been in this slump for awhile. He told me things that were hurtful and hard to hear. I have become more uncaring and hurtful. I think I'm just fed up. I always try so hard and when it's not reciprocated I fall apart. This time I was trying to deal and do what he suggested to make me happy but that turned to shit. It made me feel cold inside. I don't want to be cold. I'm full of love even when it hurts I don't want to lose that part of me. It's the last bit of innocence I have.

My new life

It's amazing how life flows isn't it? Like when you're all wrapped up in what you're doing that you forget who you really are. It sometimes takes a hard, heartbreaking situation for you to realize that you were on the wrong path. I would've continued on that path if my partner at the time hasn't ended it. I look at myself then and myself now and I wonder how I let myself go. I had lost myself in being someone I wasn't. Unhappy because I was trying so hard to please someone that wasn't please-able. That's not a word but it describes how I was living. That man will always be my friend but he hurt me as a person and wasn't good for me. I now have a man in my life that totally gets me. He knows that when I'm upset he needs to just let me be for a little while until I get my barings. But he also knows how to compliment me and make me feel like I really am the girl of his dreams. It's strange because we aren't physically together a lot but I feel closer to Craig then I did with Dan. Dan and I were good party friends. We had fun but when it came to anything serious he'd close up and get mad at me for trying to tell him how I felt. I know in a lot of my blogs I would say how in love with him I was....well I was in my way but I was sacrificing myself everyday and for what? To get cheated on, and lied to and then dumped. I didn't deserve any of that and I kept going back like a pig to the slaughter just blinded by what I thought was love. Now I see what love really is. It's hard work and dedication, ensuring your partner is happy and content no matter the distance between them. Craig does his best no matter what he's doing to make sure I am ok. I can't tell you how amazing that is. Going from a guy who got annoyed when I wondered why I hadn't been contacted in days to a guy who is working across the world and still finds the time to call me via Skype, FaceTime or regular call as often as possible is amazing. It really makes me feel loved. 

Visit to LA

I received a text from Craig telling me to check my email. To my utter surprise I see a ticket round trip from Calgary to LA! I've never been to California. Amazing!!! I flew out early Saturday morning and touched down at 10:30 Pacific time. At the bottom of the escalators was Craig, dressed in a black sweater and hat and shorts and converse shoes...a sight for sore eyes. His smile said everything when I came into view. I made my way to him and we hugged and kissed and headed outside into the warm California sunshine. We jumped a shuttle and headed to the Westin hotel, snuggling the whole way there.

We got to the hotel and had to hit up the tour bus where Craig's stuff was, as we got on the bus several members were still sleeping so I sat patiently in the front lounge waiting for Craig to gather his belongings. I met Cash, and Jasper and the bus driver who's name escapes me. We then made our way to the room that was assigned to Craig on the 7th floor and lucky us the keys didn't work. So we headed back down to the lobby to rectify this. Once we were able to make it into the room, I immediately took my shoes off and laid on the extremely comfortable king sized bed and considered closing my eyes for a moment. But Craig jumped on the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck and that was it for me....!

We decided to get going to get Craig's laundry done and spend as much time as we could outside enjoying the sunshine. We got a driver to take us to the laundry mat where they told Craig his laundry would be left at the liquor store next door if we came back past 5 to pick it up. Craig wasn't overly thrilled with this concept but went with it anyways, being the adventurer he is.

We got dropped off on the corner of Pico and Ocean and went to eat at a Caribbean place called "cha cha chicken" looked like a whole in the wall but from experience these types of places have amazing food. We ordered we sat, we enjoyed every last bite. Especially being in each others company after a long two weeks apart. It was magical.

After eating we headed down to Santa Monica pier to check it out. Craig photographed me right before the fog rolled in eliminating the view of the pier. We turned around and started walking south towards Venice. There were lots of street artists and vendors all over the place, live music...bongos...hola hoopers etc lining the streets. Lots of amazing sights and sounds and smells it was incredible.

We stopped for some frozen yogurt and was able to pour your own cup and put any toppings on you'd like, you paid by weight. Craig and I found a quiet corner to sit behind some of the sidewalk vendors and happily ate our treat. There was one chocolate mint left and Craig asked if I wanted to share? I said yes and told him to hold it with his teeth and Id break it half by coming in close to bite it. I thought this was incredibly romantic and cute but it turned out to be a disaster... I ended up biting his lip...I didn't even realize I had done this until he said I did. Poor guy, it wasn't funny but the whole situation turned out the exact opposite than I expected so I just laughed and laughed mostly from embarrassment but partially because I'm such a clutz I should've seen this coming. Craig said he thought three things, ouch I bit his lip, he didn't get any chocolate and I forget the last thing but he too thought it was funny even though I left an imprint on his lip. What a good sport.

We stopped and had a beer while watching bongo players make music...we walked some more and finally after about 4 and a half hours we were exhausted. Hailed a cab and headed to the liquor store to grab Craig's laundry.

Luckily it was there...no extra charge...we were gonna walk the last 3 blocks to the hotel but we had bags, so we called a cab that said they'd be there in 10 min. 20 min later we decided to walk anyways. We headed towards an underpass that looked quite sketchy and had furniture set up for whomever lived there at night. It reeked of urine and god knows what else. Defiantly a venture only to be accomplished while there's daylight. We walked passed a man that was behind a fence and he growled at us as we walked. Eyes straight ahead...no sudden movements. We got to the hotel safe and sound. We lay in each others arms and kissed and snuggled...The end of a wonderfully silly, sweet, romantic day.

I couldn't ask for more

I'm finding bits of sunshine in my life due to the people that surround me. I am blessed to have quality friends and a wonderful family that backs me up no matter what. I couldn't ask for more.