People never mean what they say...

People never mean what they say, when they say they're there for you as long as you need they're lying. What they're actually saying is they're there for you until they feel like it inconveniences them. No one is truly helpful everyone is fake and selfish. Even my own flesh and blood, telling me I have time to sort my life out and then take it back after 1 month passes. Does anyone understand what has happened to me in my life? I've never had it easy, never been given chances. Never had anything given to me for free. All I am asking for is some patience and understanding a little more time.

Nothing makes sense

There are moments in your life when you're at a standstill and nothing makes sense. You think you're striving for something but then you ask yourself why? What is the point of all this? Why can't I find happiness? Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this misery? It's all coming down on me, this darkness. I have moments of clarity and then it's gone. I'm strong and then I'm not. I feel like there's hope and then that to disappears. When will this end? It just feels relentless. I can't stand it.

Time is passing

It's been over a month now and I'm still struggling to figure out happiness in my own way. I'm finding it hard to focus on myself because whenever I do I just go back to old thoughts.

Doing well while at work, it keeps my mind occupied. Ive been spending time with various people to see if anyone interests me. Some do, I spent time with an old friend today and I wouldn't say it was exciting because it was more sad than anything but seeing his face comforted me in a way that I can't really put into words. He said things that made me wonder about my life even more than Ive already been for months.

I'm still sad. I miss Dan, I know he's lost but the man Ive loved for 5 years is still there somewhere even if he doesn't know it now. He tells me he loves me but is lost and hurting and doesn't have room for loving thoughts. And so I told him I'm lost to Dan, but the only thing that makes me sane is knowing I have love in my heart. I will never fight those feelings. All you need is love.

And I truly believe that. I have so much love that it spills out and touches people in a way I'm just starting to understand. I don't know what kind of effect I have on people and I don't think they know either until its over and all we are left with is our memories and thoughts.

That's really all we have isn't it?

Patterns

Trying to figure out my patterns and why I keep ending up in the same spot. I believe I just doubt myself so I go where it is comfortable which is silly, because how will I change my life if I keep heading down the same paths? I have weaknesses like drinking And drugs, I like these vices but those things hold me back from experiencing real life. I want to see so many things and accomplish so many things so why can't I just stick to making these changes? Why do I give up on myself so easily? It frustrates me because I know how far I could make it if I'd just stop fucking around and start really focusing. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't and say I can.

The one person...

feels like a lifetime has gone by
the emptiness fills me everyday
In silence mostly is how I sit
Even though I crave noise to distract
I turn to family to friends
Make my Job take up most of my time
My dogs only remind me of you
Every hand I see held
every kiss I see given
Makes me miss you more
You were my everything
to replace you is impossible
Nothing fills that space
I have ideas of where my life will be
But they are all so vague
I remember endless days
Where I'd look at you and feel love
I feel nothing now
I miss you my love its the only feeling that's clear
I'm lost without my partner
The one person I thought got me.

Starting to see

The madness is starting to subside. I'm starting to see me for who I really am. There isn't the noise of other people and their problems and the things I have to do for them, there's just me. I haven't taken care of me in years. I've been so concerned with everyone else I forgot that my life is important and I deserve every bit of happiness I can find. It's invigorating, and I can't wait to see where life takes me. I'm not worried anymore. I know I have so much to give that people fight over me. In the workplace in my personal life. That's all I've been hearing lately. It's amazing to know that I am special, I'm not a burden. Before I was sad because I wasn't myself. I was hiding behind this person that I had to be for other people and I was miserable. Never again will I sacrifice who I am just to make other people comfortable. I love and miss some of my past but if any part of that is to be a part of my future they've got to let me have my time. I have way to many goals and dreams to just sit on the sidelines anymore. I'm a warrior, an artist and poet. I have lots to show the world and there's no better time to do it.

Lyrics

I keep hearing these songs that describe how I feel or how I think he may feel and my emotions get the better of me. Here are some lyrics that I think would describe his feelings:
"I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end"

Here are some that would describe mine:
"Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am"