So much...

It's all really starting to sink in. I'm leaving. My stomach is in knots, I've been shaking whenever I eat. I don't what to do. I know I have to go but it's so scary. I know things will feel strange for awhile and hopefully being with my family will ease this a bit but fuck!!! I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Knowing we love each other and we just can't get it together sucks. On our way home from Kingston we both were silent and then we'd look at each other and I know he's feeling this as much as I am. It's torture loving someone and knowing we have to part. I know obsessing about it isn't doing me any good, but that's all my mind will let me think about. So much of our lives were beautiful, we still laugh and hug and even kiss. My girlfriend thinks the second I drive away he'll understand truly what has happened to us. And as mom says if he loves me he can prove to me he's certain he wants me by coming to get me. If you love something, let it go, if it is meant to be it'll find you.

This morning

Dan and I snuggled all night last night. We got up together and he looked at me and said "why couldn't you just stay in Ottawa while I figured stuff out?" I said "why do you love me again?" He said "I've always loved you. I didn't think you'd pick up and move across the country." I said "well this isn't the first time you were unsure of us and now it's to late. Maybe time apart will make us stronger and if you really want me then you'll figure out what is important to you and come get me." He said "that's beautiful."

Every moment

I saw Dan last night for the first time in days. He looks at me smiles and shoves me in a playful way. We watch tv and order pizza and sit in silence. We slept in the same bed because the couch is hurting his back. He sneaked his toes towards mine and wrapped my feet in his. This morning he gets up to work is about to leave, comes over to the side of the bed sits down and puts his head on my belly, lays there for a minute and then gets up walks out and says "bye Christina". I texted him about an hour later saying "when I look at you all I want to do is kiss you, hug you and love you. I'm sorry I feel this way." He texts back "don't be sorry I feel the same way". Every moment I spend with him reminds me how much I love him and it kills me to know that I won't see him for however long after I leave. What are we doing? What is he thinking?

Reminiscing

I just went back over the years I've been blogging and all the beautiful moments I've captured in word and picture. Isn't it crazy how you see your life differently when it's written versus memory. Dan and I have had our ups and downs but they make for a beautiful story and it saddens me that its come to an end. I still dream about him and think maybe one day he'll come back to me but I'm sure that's the stuff of fairy tales not of real life.

Another day gone

Every morning I wake up with my pillow soaked from all the tears I've cried. Frustrated that I'm living like this. Dan called me yesterday and we talked for 40 minutes about lots of stuff. He told me he knows its over but loves me and cares about me. I asked him why he stared at me the other day and he said "because you're beautiful Christina, you're a beautiful person". I said ok then why are we breaking up. And he said "because you drive me crazy". Do you know how many times he's driven me up the wall? How many times I've had to bite my lip because I just wanted to scream at him? But love forgives all those shortcomings, or so I thought. I hate this. I just want to be with him and he with me. No one will understand, everyone thinks I should get over him but I don't want to quit yet.

Laying In bed

Just laying here with my dogs wondering what today will bring. Got to go look at places to live. This really sucks. I don't want to start from scratch again. Dan and I actually had fun last night. He had to leave for work but we laughed and I caught him starring at me several times. So what am I doing? Have no clue.

The end of one life

It all happened so fast. I still am whirling with disbelief that the man I love decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's weird how one minute you can look ahead and see a clear future. Where you'll get married, buy a house, retire. Then in a flash all is ripped right out from beneath you. I've cried so many tears to the point of exhaustion. Made myself sick from not eating and drinking myself into a stuper. Running around trying to find someone to listen to me sob and help me make sense of this madness. But nothing helps, no one can make sense. He himself can't make sense. Tells me he still loves and will live to regret this but still stands firm on not wanting me here. When did it go wrong? I know I'm difficult and not trusting and sensitive but so much so to drive the man I love away? Or is it just him? Scared of growing up, scared of having responsibility? He tells me I always get my way and when I look back that is not true at all. I followed him through jobs, backed him up when he wanted his daughter with us and even though I changed cities for him he clearly doesn't see the sacrifices I've made in the name of love. All he sees is my sadness at not having anyone to talk to. My complaining when his daughter wouldn't listen to me. I just thought him loving me meant loving me, no matter what. I thought he being my best friend would allow me to vent when i was frustrated. Now I feel betrayed because he promised he'd never hurt me again and now he's pushing me away without really giving me a reason. I'm depressed and sick and tired of giving all of myself and then getting pushed away when the going gets a little tough. Is there anyone out there that will just love me? For who I am?