A hand on my skin

I walked through the door last night and was greeted by Oli and Jaz, excited and smiling and tail waging as always. It's such a joy to have them. Dan walks around the corner looks at me for a moment and smiles and walks towards me puts his hand through my hair and down my cheek and pulls me in for a kiss. "Hello" he says. "Hi" I say. I know there is love between us. It's undeniable, I feel the charge when we stand close and look into each others eyes. I need his hands on my skin. I need the warmth of his love in my heart. Why can't things be simple?

Tick tock

I feel every minute go by as if my life is coming to an end. I know there's a light at the end this tunnel but right now all I see is darkness. I'm surrounded by it. I can't see my future or even what will happen a week from now. It's nerve wracking but at the same time liberating. There's endless possibilities of what may come. I just hope I survive this tunnel. Tick tock tick tock, I can feel every second. I'm taking in every moment I have left here.

Less than 10 days

The count down has begun. I'm scared as hell about driving alone but it's got to be done. James said if he could he'd fly up just to drive with me. How sweet is that? I asked Dan today if he believes in second chances. He said "if we were meant to be we'll be." I said "I've heard a lot of that lately but do you believe that in your heart...about us?" he said "well I haven't had a chance to miss you yet." Lol. I've reserved the u-haul and have started going through things in the basement. Seeing pieces of my life that I have organized into seasons, knowing I will never see them again. Strange isn't it? Looking at a life that you had, that is still tangible and yet knowing you will part ways. I don't know how to part with pictures and scrap books but at the same time do I want to be reminded of all this? Of this life that no longer exists? I just want this to be over with. I want to see where life takes me, where I'll end up.

So much...

It's all really starting to sink in. I'm leaving. My stomach is in knots, I've been shaking whenever I eat. I don't what to do. I know I have to go but it's so scary. I know things will feel strange for awhile and hopefully being with my family will ease this a bit but fuck!!! I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Knowing we love each other and we just can't get it together sucks. On our way home from Kingston we both were silent and then we'd look at each other and I know he's feeling this as much as I am. It's torture loving someone and knowing we have to part. I know obsessing about it isn't doing me any good, but that's all my mind will let me think about. So much of our lives were beautiful, we still laugh and hug and even kiss. My girlfriend thinks the second I drive away he'll understand truly what has happened to us. And as mom says if he loves me he can prove to me he's certain he wants me by coming to get me. If you love something, let it go, if it is meant to be it'll find you.

This morning

Dan and I snuggled all night last night. We got up together and he looked at me and said "why couldn't you just stay in Ottawa while I figured stuff out?" I said "why do you love me again?" He said "I've always loved you. I didn't think you'd pick up and move across the country." I said "well this isn't the first time you were unsure of us and now it's to late. Maybe time apart will make us stronger and if you really want me then you'll figure out what is important to you and come get me." He said "that's beautiful."

Every moment

I saw Dan last night for the first time in days. He looks at me smiles and shoves me in a playful way. We watch tv and order pizza and sit in silence. We slept in the same bed because the couch is hurting his back. He sneaked his toes towards mine and wrapped my feet in his. This morning he gets up to work is about to leave, comes over to the side of the bed sits down and puts his head on my belly, lays there for a minute and then gets up walks out and says "bye Christina". I texted him about an hour later saying "when I look at you all I want to do is kiss you, hug you and love you. I'm sorry I feel this way." He texts back "don't be sorry I feel the same way". Every moment I spend with him reminds me how much I love him and it kills me to know that I won't see him for however long after I leave. What are we doing? What is he thinking?

Reminiscing

I just went back over the years I've been blogging and all the beautiful moments I've captured in word and picture. Isn't it crazy how you see your life differently when it's written versus memory. Dan and I have had our ups and downs but they make for a beautiful story and it saddens me that its come to an end. I still dream about him and think maybe one day he'll come back to me but I'm sure that's the stuff of fairy tales not of real life.