People

There are some people that are so miserable that they feed off your sorrow. They take advantage of you when your face is down in the dirt. Those people will never be happy. They suck the life out of everyone. They make life unbearable.

You know what I say to those people? FUCK YOU! At the top of my lungs because I am done being a punching bag. I know I'm an easy target being sensitive and fragile. I may be those things but I have strength in me that comes in my darkest hours. And there have been many.

I will not let these people ruin my progress. I am making something of myself and all on my own. I don't have anyone holding my hand. I have my immediate family beside me that have encouraged me to keep trying. But I also have family that just want to see me fail.

I won't let them win. I will ignore all harsh comments and ignore they're anger towards me because they are irrelevant. They are nothing in the scheme of things. I am strong and I will take this situation and rise so far above them it'll make their head spin.

A little hope

In the darkness that is my life a tiny glimmer has presented itself in the form of a promotion. This means I am not a failure. Well not in everything.

I obviously have some skill that is marketable. This glimmer makes me feel I can handle what is to come. I don't feel as desolate, as hopeless as I felt when I first began.

What I feel now is that, hope is real. Hope is something to live for. Because no matter how dark and desolate your life may seem, someone recognizes your efforts and takes notice. You are not a failure. You are strong and know what you are doing. The people from your past didn't see this. If they did they are the biggest idiots of all time for letting you go.

That is hope. Hope is what I live for. It is why I haven't given up.

A glimpse

Pushing my entire life just to breathe, to hope that tomorrow will be the day that changes how I live. I feel like I only live in the moment when things are ok. When things go bad or stress me out I either live in the memory of things gone horribly wrong or in the future that hasn't Happened yet.

I want to live in the present all the time because what a waste of a life that isn't enjoying the here and now.

The hard thing about here and now is that it is real. There are no guises or pretences of what happened or what should happen. There's only truth and reality which scares most of us. I know I'm scared. I'm scared that who I think I am may not be what other people see. I feel I am losing myself in my sorrow. I honestly feel I am losing intelligence because I am wallowing in my past and the mistakes I've made.

What is the purpose of that? None. I am only losing myself little by little by holding onto things that I've failed at.

I wish I had answers. But I don't. All I have is now. What am I doing now to better my life? There's no one to blame because I am alone. They are my past and I now have complete control of my future. Only me. I should grasp this chance and change my life forever.

People never mean what they say...

People never mean what they say, when they say they're there for you as long as you need they're lying. What they're actually saying is they're there for you until they feel like it inconveniences them. No one is truly helpful everyone is fake and selfish. Even my own flesh and blood, telling me I have time to sort my life out and then take it back after 1 month passes. Does anyone understand what has happened to me in my life? I've never had it easy, never been given chances. Never had anything given to me for free. All I am asking for is some patience and understanding a little more time.

Nothing makes sense

There are moments in your life when you're at a standstill and nothing makes sense. You think you're striving for something but then you ask yourself why? What is the point of all this? Why can't I find happiness? Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this misery? It's all coming down on me, this darkness. I have moments of clarity and then it's gone. I'm strong and then I'm not. I feel like there's hope and then that to disappears. When will this end? It just feels relentless. I can't stand it.

Time is passing

It's been over a month now and I'm still struggling to figure out happiness in my own way. I'm finding it hard to focus on myself because whenever I do I just go back to old thoughts.

Doing well while at work, it keeps my mind occupied. Ive been spending time with various people to see if anyone interests me. Some do, I spent time with an old friend today and I wouldn't say it was exciting because it was more sad than anything but seeing his face comforted me in a way that I can't really put into words. He said things that made me wonder about my life even more than Ive already been for months.

I'm still sad. I miss Dan, I know he's lost but the man Ive loved for 5 years is still there somewhere even if he doesn't know it now. He tells me he loves me but is lost and hurting and doesn't have room for loving thoughts. And so I told him I'm lost to Dan, but the only thing that makes me sane is knowing I have love in my heart. I will never fight those feelings. All you need is love.

And I truly believe that. I have so much love that it spills out and touches people in a way I'm just starting to understand. I don't know what kind of effect I have on people and I don't think they know either until its over and all we are left with is our memories and thoughts.

That's really all we have isn't it?

Patterns

Trying to figure out my patterns and why I keep ending up in the same spot. I believe I just doubt myself so I go where it is comfortable which is silly, because how will I change my life if I keep heading down the same paths? I have weaknesses like drinking And drugs, I like these vices but those things hold me back from experiencing real life. I want to see so many things and accomplish so many things so why can't I just stick to making these changes? Why do I give up on myself so easily? It frustrates me because I know how far I could make it if I'd just stop fucking around and start really focusing. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't and say I can.