This time will be different

So here I am sitting outside my new home having a smoke and taking a moment to appreciate what has happened. My new home isn't one I'm renting, and I'm not moving in with a guy. I actually bought this place. It's quant and perfect for me and I am having trouble grasping the realization of it all. I've had a rough couple of years...mostly relationship related but this step, this mountain I've climbed proves not only that I am motivated, but that I am capable! I'm 34 and bought my first home! I'm single and bought my first home! I keep chanting these words because it's still not sunk in. I always needed someone to help me take care of myself, or so I thought. I don't! I'm perfectly capable to work hard and buckle down when it's time to. Haha I'm so overjoyed with this step it's unbelievable. Mom showed up today with bread, wine and salt and said "bread, so this house never knows hunger, salt, so that your life is filled with flavour, wine so that all your days are filled with joy!"

It's been awhile

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I was told that my posts may be to candid and so I backed off a bit. But honestly who cares. No one reads this anyways....I'm just one in a million random people out there who says things in a somewhat public forum. I'm sad....I've been sad for years. I've never really found a place that made me feel safe or secure or complete. I was clinging onto things for awhile trying to get a glimpse of what I had. But it didn't stick. Why would it? I had this life that wasn't perfect but had it's moments. To which I held onto sometimes blindly. Nevertheless I had that. And honestly having what may be an illusion to some people was a reality for awhile. And a good one. My eyes were shut to a lot of the wrong doings...and things fell apart when my eyes opened. I've been living in a state of awareness ever since and can't ever find peace. I'm always looking for someone to talk to me, love me...even for a moment. Because after all I've been through...a moment is all that matters. I just wish they lasted longer. 

Trying...

I took this past weekend away to escape my mind and feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I had a wonderful time. I'm not sure what lies ahead for me. I hate that I'm living in a small room in a house with room mates. Something I've never done before. I feel like I can't breath. I can't paint or play guitar, there's no room for that. I'm not sure what I want or how I feel about anything. I'm really stumped. I want love but at what cost? It takes up so much time and energy and distracts me. If only there were clear answers. I feel like running away again. Go out there on my own, but I know that's not a solution. My problems would just follow me...I mean they always have. I guess I'll just have to keep trying, trying to make sense, trying to find happiness within myself. That's all I can do. 

2014 so far

I feel like I've changed everything about my life and yet it hasn't gotten any better. I don't know why I keep failing and struggling with who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I feel I'm getting older and no wiser. I'm so frustrated with my personal life I feel I'm falling into a deep dark whole and I can't get out. I cry, but not soft tears, more like a hurricane. The last 6 months have been hard. Craig was amazing in the beginning and then little by little just became reclusive and distant. He says it's not me he's says I gave him hope and that made him try so hard at first but old habits die hard. We've been in this slump for awhile. He told me things that were hurtful and hard to hear. I have become more uncaring and hurtful. I think I'm just fed up. I always try so hard and when it's not reciprocated I fall apart. This time I was trying to deal and do what he suggested to make me happy but that turned to shit. It made me feel cold inside. I don't want to be cold. I'm full of love even when it hurts I don't want to lose that part of me. It's the last bit of innocence I have.

My new life

It's amazing how life flows isn't it? Like when you're all wrapped up in what you're doing that you forget who you really are. It sometimes takes a hard, heartbreaking situation for you to realize that you were on the wrong path. I would've continued on that path if my partner at the time hasn't ended it. I look at myself then and myself now and I wonder how I let myself go. I had lost myself in being someone I wasn't. Unhappy because I was trying so hard to please someone that wasn't please-able. That's not a word but it describes how I was living. That man will always be my friend but he hurt me as a person and wasn't good for me. I now have a man in my life that totally gets me. He knows that when I'm upset he needs to just let me be for a little while until I get my barings. But he also knows how to compliment me and make me feel like I really am the girl of his dreams. It's strange because we aren't physically together a lot but I feel closer to Craig then I did with Dan. Dan and I were good party friends. We had fun but when it came to anything serious he'd close up and get mad at me for trying to tell him how I felt. I know in a lot of my blogs I would say how in love with him I was....well I was in my way but I was sacrificing myself everyday and for what? To get cheated on, and lied to and then dumped. I didn't deserve any of that and I kept going back like a pig to the slaughter just blinded by what I thought was love. Now I see what love really is. It's hard work and dedication, ensuring your partner is happy and content no matter the distance between them. Craig does his best no matter what he's doing to make sure I am ok. I can't tell you how amazing that is. Going from a guy who got annoyed when I wondered why I hadn't been contacted in days to a guy who is working across the world and still finds the time to call me via Skype, FaceTime or regular call as often as possible is amazing. It really makes me feel loved. 

Visit to LA

I received a text from Craig telling me to check my email. To my utter surprise I see a ticket round trip from Calgary to LA! I've never been to California. Amazing!!! I flew out early Saturday morning and touched down at 10:30 Pacific time. At the bottom of the escalators was Craig, dressed in a black sweater and hat and shorts and converse shoes...a sight for sore eyes. His smile said everything when I came into view. I made my way to him and we hugged and kissed and headed outside into the warm California sunshine. We jumped a shuttle and headed to the Westin hotel, snuggling the whole way there.

We got to the hotel and had to hit up the tour bus where Craig's stuff was, as we got on the bus several members were still sleeping so I sat patiently in the front lounge waiting for Craig to gather his belongings. I met Cash, and Jasper and the bus driver who's name escapes me. We then made our way to the room that was assigned to Craig on the 7th floor and lucky us the keys didn't work. So we headed back down to the lobby to rectify this. Once we were able to make it into the room, I immediately took my shoes off and laid on the extremely comfortable king sized bed and considered closing my eyes for a moment. But Craig jumped on the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck and that was it for me....!

We decided to get going to get Craig's laundry done and spend as much time as we could outside enjoying the sunshine. We got a driver to take us to the laundry mat where they told Craig his laundry would be left at the liquor store next door if we came back past 5 to pick it up. Craig wasn't overly thrilled with this concept but went with it anyways, being the adventurer he is.

We got dropped off on the corner of Pico and Ocean and went to eat at a Caribbean place called "cha cha chicken" looked like a whole in the wall but from experience these types of places have amazing food. We ordered we sat, we enjoyed every last bite. Especially being in each others company after a long two weeks apart. It was magical.

After eating we headed down to Santa Monica pier to check it out. Craig photographed me right before the fog rolled in eliminating the view of the pier. We turned around and started walking south towards Venice. There were lots of street artists and vendors all over the place, live music...bongos...hola hoopers etc lining the streets. Lots of amazing sights and sounds and smells it was incredible.

We stopped for some frozen yogurt and was able to pour your own cup and put any toppings on you'd like, you paid by weight. Craig and I found a quiet corner to sit behind some of the sidewalk vendors and happily ate our treat. There was one chocolate mint left and Craig asked if I wanted to share? I said yes and told him to hold it with his teeth and Id break it half by coming in close to bite it. I thought this was incredibly romantic and cute but it turned out to be a disaster... I ended up biting his lip...I didn't even realize I had done this until he said I did. Poor guy, it wasn't funny but the whole situation turned out the exact opposite than I expected so I just laughed and laughed mostly from embarrassment but partially because I'm such a clutz I should've seen this coming. Craig said he thought three things, ouch I bit his lip, he didn't get any chocolate and I forget the last thing but he too thought it was funny even though I left an imprint on his lip. What a good sport.

We stopped and had a beer while watching bongo players make music...we walked some more and finally after about 4 and a half hours we were exhausted. Hailed a cab and headed to the liquor store to grab Craig's laundry.

Luckily it was there...no extra charge...we were gonna walk the last 3 blocks to the hotel but we had bags, so we called a cab that said they'd be there in 10 min. 20 min later we decided to walk anyways. We headed towards an underpass that looked quite sketchy and had furniture set up for whomever lived there at night. It reeked of urine and god knows what else. Defiantly a venture only to be accomplished while there's daylight. We walked passed a man that was behind a fence and he growled at us as we walked. Eyes straight ahead...no sudden movements. We got to the hotel safe and sound. We lay in each others arms and kissed and snuggled...The end of a wonderfully silly, sweet, romantic day.

I couldn't ask for more

I'm finding bits of sunshine in my life due to the people that surround me. I am blessed to have quality friends and a wonderful family that backs me up no matter what. I couldn't ask for more.

People

There are some people that are so miserable that they feed off your sorrow. They take advantage of you when your face is down in the dirt. Those people will never be happy. They suck the life out of everyone. They make life unbearable.

You know what I say to those people? FUCK YOU! At the top of my lungs because I am done being a punching bag. I know I'm an easy target being sensitive and fragile. I may be those things but I have strength in me that comes in my darkest hours. And there have been many.

I will not let these people ruin my progress. I am making something of myself and all on my own. I don't have anyone holding my hand. I have my immediate family beside me that have encouraged me to keep trying. But I also have family that just want to see me fail.

I won't let them win. I will ignore all harsh comments and ignore they're anger towards me because they are irrelevant. They are nothing in the scheme of things. I am strong and I will take this situation and rise so far above them it'll make their head spin.

A little hope

In the darkness that is my life a tiny glimmer has presented itself in the form of a promotion. This means I am not a failure. Well not in everything.

I obviously have some skill that is marketable. This glimmer makes me feel I can handle what is to come. I don't feel as desolate, as hopeless as I felt when I first began.

What I feel now is that, hope is real. Hope is something to live for. Because no matter how dark and desolate your life may seem, someone recognizes your efforts and takes notice. You are not a failure. You are strong and know what you are doing. The people from your past didn't see this. If they did they are the biggest idiots of all time for letting you go.

That is hope. Hope is what I live for. It is why I haven't given up.

A glimpse

Pushing my entire life just to breathe, to hope that tomorrow will be the day that changes how I live. I feel like I only live in the moment when things are ok. When things go bad or stress me out I either live in the memory of things gone horribly wrong or in the future that hasn't Happened yet.

I want to live in the present all the time because what a waste of a life that isn't enjoying the here and now.

The hard thing about here and now is that it is real. There are no guises or pretences of what happened or what should happen. There's only truth and reality which scares most of us. I know I'm scared. I'm scared that who I think I am may not be what other people see. I feel I am losing myself in my sorrow. I honestly feel I am losing intelligence because I am wallowing in my past and the mistakes I've made.

What is the purpose of that? None. I am only losing myself little by little by holding onto things that I've failed at.

I wish I had answers. But I don't. All I have is now. What am I doing now to better my life? There's no one to blame because I am alone. They are my past and I now have complete control of my future. Only me. I should grasp this chance and change my life forever.

People never mean what they say...

People never mean what they say, when they say they're there for you as long as you need they're lying. What they're actually saying is they're there for you until they feel like it inconveniences them. No one is truly helpful everyone is fake and selfish. Even my own flesh and blood, telling me I have time to sort my life out and then take it back after 1 month passes. Does anyone understand what has happened to me in my life? I've never had it easy, never been given chances. Never had anything given to me for free. All I am asking for is some patience and understanding a little more time.

Nothing makes sense

There are moments in your life when you're at a standstill and nothing makes sense. You think you're striving for something but then you ask yourself why? What is the point of all this? Why can't I find happiness? Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this misery? It's all coming down on me, this darkness. I have moments of clarity and then it's gone. I'm strong and then I'm not. I feel like there's hope and then that to disappears. When will this end? It just feels relentless. I can't stand it.

Time is passing

It's been over a month now and I'm still struggling to figure out happiness in my own way. I'm finding it hard to focus on myself because whenever I do I just go back to old thoughts.

Doing well while at work, it keeps my mind occupied. Ive been spending time with various people to see if anyone interests me. Some do, I spent time with an old friend today and I wouldn't say it was exciting because it was more sad than anything but seeing his face comforted me in a way that I can't really put into words. He said things that made me wonder about my life even more than Ive already been for months.

I'm still sad. I miss Dan, I know he's lost but the man Ive loved for 5 years is still there somewhere even if he doesn't know it now. He tells me he loves me but is lost and hurting and doesn't have room for loving thoughts. And so I told him I'm lost to Dan, but the only thing that makes me sane is knowing I have love in my heart. I will never fight those feelings. All you need is love.

And I truly believe that. I have so much love that it spills out and touches people in a way I'm just starting to understand. I don't know what kind of effect I have on people and I don't think they know either until its over and all we are left with is our memories and thoughts.

That's really all we have isn't it?

Patterns

Trying to figure out my patterns and why I keep ending up in the same spot. I believe I just doubt myself so I go where it is comfortable which is silly, because how will I change my life if I keep heading down the same paths? I have weaknesses like drinking And drugs, I like these vices but those things hold me back from experiencing real life. I want to see so many things and accomplish so many things so why can't I just stick to making these changes? Why do I give up on myself so easily? It frustrates me because I know how far I could make it if I'd just stop fucking around and start really focusing. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't and say I can.

The one person...

feels like a lifetime has gone by
the emptiness fills me everyday
In silence mostly is how I sit
Even though I crave noise to distract
I turn to family to friends
Make my Job take up most of my time
My dogs only remind me of you
Every hand I see held
every kiss I see given
Makes me miss you more
You were my everything
to replace you is impossible
Nothing fills that space
I have ideas of where my life will be
But they are all so vague
I remember endless days
Where I'd look at you and feel love
I feel nothing now
I miss you my love its the only feeling that's clear
I'm lost without my partner
The one person I thought got me.

Starting to see

The madness is starting to subside. I'm starting to see me for who I really am. There isn't the noise of other people and their problems and the things I have to do for them, there's just me. I haven't taken care of me in years. I've been so concerned with everyone else I forgot that my life is important and I deserve every bit of happiness I can find. It's invigorating, and I can't wait to see where life takes me. I'm not worried anymore. I know I have so much to give that people fight over me. In the workplace in my personal life. That's all I've been hearing lately. It's amazing to know that I am special, I'm not a burden. Before I was sad because I wasn't myself. I was hiding behind this person that I had to be for other people and I was miserable. Never again will I sacrifice who I am just to make other people comfortable. I love and miss some of my past but if any part of that is to be a part of my future they've got to let me have my time. I have way to many goals and dreams to just sit on the sidelines anymore. I'm a warrior, an artist and poet. I have lots to show the world and there's no better time to do it.

Lyrics

I keep hearing these songs that describe how I feel or how I think he may feel and my emotions get the better of me. Here are some lyrics that I think would describe his feelings:
"I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end"

Here are some that would describe mine:
"Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am"

2nd day on the job

This is so frustrating going to work but not having anyone to come home to. I mean I have my brother but he's snuggling up to his wife and that makes me miss my man. I need to find things to do outside of work. Get involved in the community. But just like what happened in Ottawa I need to save funds and catch up on bills first. So I feel like I'm living in a dream the same dream I had 4 months ago. I know I can't expect immediate progress but living on a plateau is frustrating.

First weekend

So far this weekend has been good. Still missing Dan but having my family has definitely made it easier. My sister in law took me out and I danced and got drunk which was great. I had people paying attention to me and putting me first which made me feel special again. I'm not alone in this world there are lots of people who care. I think I'll be ok. One day we'll see what happens with Dan and I but for now he really didn't want me there and that hurt so I was angry and I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to be loved and when my mom looked at me with tears in her eyes I knew I have love in my life even if I don't have a man.

Waking up alone

I just woke up with tears streaming down my face. I gasped for breath trying to remember where I am. And then it all comes back to me. The love of my life wasn't sure if we had a future, said he needed time. With this time what did he do? He partied and expected me to stay there watching all of this go on, saying nothing. So I packed up and decided to move across the country because his behaviour hurt me so much I couldn't bare it anymore. Now he misses me which I knew he would because I'm amazing. I gave everything I had to that relationship even if it meant not making friends because I had a kid to take care of and a house to clean and dinner to cook after working 9 hours. Ya I would bitch about being unhappy and lonely because even though I was doing all of this I felt neglected and unappreciated. He didn't even respect me enough to call or text me for hours on end when he'd go out letting me think the worst and then giving me shit because I texted or called him throughout the night. That's called a relationship. You communicate because you care not because you have to.

So that's why he decided to take time, because he didn't like that I was unhappy. But Instead of trying to make me happy he thought about himself. Lets go to all these events without inviting her. Getting drunk with my new friends is way more important than fixing my 5 year relationship. She doesn't matter only I do.
God why couldn't he just be the same nice man I feel in love with? Who is this self centred party boy that he's become? It's sad and I feel for him because these so called friends won't last, they never do. They'll get sick of him or he'll get sick of them and then what? I hope one day he sees what's going on and figures out what he wants. All I can do is try to live my life and stop all of this obsessing. It's about me now, you know how hard it is to focus on myself when all I've done for years is care for others? Ahhh! I have to try.