This time will be different

So here I am sitting outside my new home having a smoke and taking a moment to appreciate what has happened. My new home isn't one I'm renting, and I'm not moving in with a guy. I actually bought this place. It's quant and perfect for me and I am having trouble grasping the realization of it all. I've had a rough couple of years...mostly relationship related but this step, this mountain I've climbed proves not only that I am motivated, but that I am capable! I'm 34 and bought my first home! I'm single and bought my first home! I keep chanting these words because it's still not sunk in. I always needed someone to help me take care of myself, or so I thought. I don't! I'm perfectly capable to work hard and buckle down when it's time to. Haha I'm so overjoyed with this step it's unbelievable. Mom showed up today with bread, wine and salt and said "bread, so this house never knows hunger, salt, so that your life is filled with flavour, wine so that all your days are filled with joy!"

It's been awhile

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I was told that my posts may be to candid and so I backed off a bit. But honestly who cares. No one reads this anyways....I'm just one in a million random people out there who says things in a somewhat public forum. I'm sad....I've been sad for years. I've never really found a place that made me feel safe or secure or complete. I was clinging onto things for awhile trying to get a glimpse of what I had. But it didn't stick. Why would it? I had this life that wasn't perfect but had it's moments. To which I held onto sometimes blindly. Nevertheless I had that. And honestly having what may be an illusion to some people was a reality for awhile. And a good one. My eyes were shut to a lot of the wrong doings...and things fell apart when my eyes opened. I've been living in a state of awareness ever since and can't ever find peace. I'm always looking for someone to talk to me, love me...even for a moment. Because after all I've been through...a moment is all that matters. I just wish they lasted longer. 

Trying...

I took this past weekend away to escape my mind and feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I had a wonderful time. I'm not sure what lies ahead for me. I hate that I'm living in a small room in a house with room mates. Something I've never done before. I feel like I can't breath. I can't paint or play guitar, there's no room for that. I'm not sure what I want or how I feel about anything. I'm really stumped. I want love but at what cost? It takes up so much time and energy and distracts me. If only there were clear answers. I feel like running away again. Go out there on my own, but I know that's not a solution. My problems would just follow me...I mean they always have. I guess I'll just have to keep trying, trying to make sense, trying to find happiness within myself. That's all I can do. 

2014 so far

I feel like I've changed everything about my life and yet it hasn't gotten any better. I don't know why I keep failing and struggling with who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I feel I'm getting older and no wiser. I'm so frustrated with my personal life I feel I'm falling into a deep dark whole and I can't get out. I cry, but not soft tears, more like a hurricane. The last 6 months have been hard. Craig was amazing in the beginning and then little by little just became reclusive and distant. He says it's not me he's says I gave him hope and that made him try so hard at first but old habits die hard. We've been in this slump for awhile. He told me things that were hurtful and hard to hear. I have become more uncaring and hurtful. I think I'm just fed up. I always try so hard and when it's not reciprocated I fall apart. This time I was trying to deal and do what he suggested to make me happy but that turned to shit. It made me feel cold inside. I don't want to be cold. I'm full of love even when it hurts I don't want to lose that part of me. It's the last bit of innocence I have.