This time will be different

So here I am sitting outside my new home having a smoke and taking a moment to appreciate what has happened. My new home isn't one I'm renting, and I'm not moving in with a guy. I actually bought this place. It's quant and perfect for me and I am having trouble grasping the realization of it all. I've had a rough couple of years...mostly relationship related but this step, this mountain I've climbed proves not only that I am motivated, but that I am capable! I'm 34 and bought my first home! I'm single and bought my first home! I keep chanting these words because it's still not sunk in. I always needed someone to help me take care of myself, or so I thought. I don't! I'm perfectly capable to work hard and buckle down when it's time to. Haha I'm so overjoyed with this step it's unbelievable. Mom showed up today with bread, wine and salt and said "bread, so this house never knows hunger, salt, so that your life is filled with flavour, wine so that all your days are filled with joy!"

It's been awhile

I haven't posted anything in awhile because I was told that my posts may be to candid and so I backed off a bit. But honestly who cares. No one reads this anyways....I'm just one in a million random people out there who says things in a somewhat public forum. I'm sad....I've been sad for years. I've never really found a place that made me feel safe or secure or complete. I was clinging onto things for awhile trying to get a glimpse of what I had. But it didn't stick. Why would it? I had this life that wasn't perfect but had it's moments. To which I held onto sometimes blindly. Nevertheless I had that. And honestly having what may be an illusion to some people was a reality for awhile. And a good one. My eyes were shut to a lot of the wrong doings...and things fell apart when my eyes opened. I've been living in a state of awareness ever since and can't ever find peace. I'm always looking for someone to talk to me, love me...even for a moment. Because after all I've been through...a moment is all that matters. I just wish they lasted longer.