Thursday, June 13, 2013
My new life
It's amazing how life flows isn't it? Like when you're all wrapped up in what you're doing that you forget who you really are. It sometimes takes a hard, heartbreaking situation for you to realize that you were on the wrong path. I would've continued on that path if my partner at the time hasn't ended it. I look at myself then and myself now and I wonder how I let myself go. I had lost myself in being someone I wasn't. Unhappy because I was trying so hard to please someone that wasn't please-able. That's not a word but it describes how I was living. That man will always be my friend but he hurt me as a person and wasn't good for me. I now have a man in my life that totally gets me. He knows that when I'm upset he needs to just let me be for a little while until I get my barings. But he also knows how to compliment me and make me feel like I really am the girl of his dreams. It's strange because we aren't physically together a lot but I feel closer to Craig then I did with Dan. Dan and I were good party friends. We had fun but when it came to anything serious he'd close up and get mad at me for trying to tell him how I felt. I know in a lot of my blogs I would say how in love with him I was....well I was in my way but I was sacrificing myself everyday and for what? To get cheated on, and lied to and then dumped. I didn't deserve any of that and I kept going back like a pig to the slaughter just blinded by what I thought was love. Now I see what love really is. It's hard work and dedication, ensuring your partner is happy and content no matter the distance between them. Craig does his best no matter what he's doing to make sure I am ok. I can't tell you how amazing that is. Going from a guy who got annoyed when I wondered why I hadn't been contacted in days to a guy who is working across the world and still finds the time to call me via Skype, FaceTime or regular call as often as possible is amazing. It really makes me feel loved.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Visit to LA
I received a text from Craig telling me to check my email. To my utter surprise I see a ticket round trip from Calgary to LA! I've never been to California. Amazing!!! I flew out early Saturday morning and touched down at 10:30 Pacific time. At the bottom of the escalators was Craig, dressed in a black sweater and hat and shorts and converse shoes...a sight for sore eyes. His smile said everything when I came into view. I made my way to him and we hugged and kissed and headed outside into the warm California sunshine. We jumped a shuttle and headed to the Westin hotel, snuggling the whole way there.
We got to the hotel and had to hit up the tour bus where Craig's stuff was, as we got on the bus several members were still sleeping so I sat patiently in the front lounge waiting for Craig to gather his belongings. I met Cash, and Jasper and the bus driver who's name escapes me. We then made our way to the room that was assigned to Craig on the 7th floor and lucky us the keys didn't work. So we headed back down to the lobby to rectify this. Once we were able to make it into the room, I immediately took my shoes off and laid on the extremely comfortable king sized bed and considered closing my eyes for a moment. But Craig jumped on the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck and that was it for me....!
We decided to get going to get Craig's laundry done and spend as much time as we could outside enjoying the sunshine. We got a driver to take us to the laundry mat where they told Craig his laundry would be left at the liquor store next door if we came back past 5 to pick it up. Craig wasn't overly thrilled with this concept but went with it anyways, being the adventurer he is.
We got dropped off on the corner of Pico and Ocean and went to eat at a Caribbean place called "cha cha chicken" looked like a whole in the wall but from experience these types of places have amazing food. We ordered we sat, we enjoyed every last bite. Especially being in each others company after a long two weeks apart. It was magical.
After eating we headed down to Santa Monica pier to check it out. Craig photographed me right before the fog rolled in eliminating the view of the pier. We turned around and started walking south towards Venice. There were lots of street artists and vendors all over the place, live music...bongos...hola hoopers etc lining the streets. Lots of amazing sights and sounds and smells it was incredible.
We stopped for some frozen yogurt and was able to pour your own cup and put any toppings on you'd like, you paid by weight. Craig and I found a quiet corner to sit behind some of the sidewalk vendors and happily ate our treat. There was one chocolate mint left and Craig asked if I wanted to share? I said yes and told him to hold it with his teeth and Id break it half by coming in close to bite it. I thought this was incredibly romantic and cute but it turned out to be a disaster... I ended up biting his lip...I didn't even realize I had done this until he said I did. Poor guy, it wasn't funny but the whole situation turned out the exact opposite than I expected so I just laughed and laughed mostly from embarrassment but partially because I'm such a clutz I should've seen this coming. Craig said he thought three things, ouch I bit his lip, he didn't get any chocolate and I forget the last thing but he too thought it was funny even though I left an imprint on his lip. What a good sport.
We stopped and had a beer while watching bongo players make music...we walked some more and finally after about 4 and a half hours we were exhausted. Hailed a cab and headed to the liquor store to grab Craig's laundry.
Luckily it was there...no extra charge...we were gonna walk the last 3 blocks to the hotel but we had bags, so we called a cab that said they'd be there in 10 min. 20 min later we decided to walk anyways. We headed towards an underpass that looked quite sketchy and had furniture set up for whomever lived there at night. It reeked of urine and god knows what else. Defiantly a venture only to be accomplished while there's daylight. We walked passed a man that was behind a fence and he growled at us as we walked. Eyes straight ahead...no sudden movements. We got to the hotel safe and sound. We lay in each others arms and kissed and snuggled...The end of a wonderfully silly, sweet, romantic day.
We got to the hotel and had to hit up the tour bus where Craig's stuff was, as we got on the bus several members were still sleeping so I sat patiently in the front lounge waiting for Craig to gather his belongings. I met Cash, and Jasper and the bus driver who's name escapes me. We then made our way to the room that was assigned to Craig on the 7th floor and lucky us the keys didn't work. So we headed back down to the lobby to rectify this. Once we were able to make it into the room, I immediately took my shoes off and laid on the extremely comfortable king sized bed and considered closing my eyes for a moment. But Craig jumped on the bed beside me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck and that was it for me....!
We decided to get going to get Craig's laundry done and spend as much time as we could outside enjoying the sunshine. We got a driver to take us to the laundry mat where they told Craig his laundry would be left at the liquor store next door if we came back past 5 to pick it up. Craig wasn't overly thrilled with this concept but went with it anyways, being the adventurer he is.
We got dropped off on the corner of Pico and Ocean and went to eat at a Caribbean place called "cha cha chicken" looked like a whole in the wall but from experience these types of places have amazing food. We ordered we sat, we enjoyed every last bite. Especially being in each others company after a long two weeks apart. It was magical.
After eating we headed down to Santa Monica pier to check it out. Craig photographed me right before the fog rolled in eliminating the view of the pier. We turned around and started walking south towards Venice. There were lots of street artists and vendors all over the place, live music...bongos...hola hoopers etc lining the streets. Lots of amazing sights and sounds and smells it was incredible.
We stopped for some frozen yogurt and was able to pour your own cup and put any toppings on you'd like, you paid by weight. Craig and I found a quiet corner to sit behind some of the sidewalk vendors and happily ate our treat. There was one chocolate mint left and Craig asked if I wanted to share? I said yes and told him to hold it with his teeth and Id break it half by coming in close to bite it. I thought this was incredibly romantic and cute but it turned out to be a disaster... I ended up biting his lip...I didn't even realize I had done this until he said I did. Poor guy, it wasn't funny but the whole situation turned out the exact opposite than I expected so I just laughed and laughed mostly from embarrassment but partially because I'm such a clutz I should've seen this coming. Craig said he thought three things, ouch I bit his lip, he didn't get any chocolate and I forget the last thing but he too thought it was funny even though I left an imprint on his lip. What a good sport.
We stopped and had a beer while watching bongo players make music...we walked some more and finally after about 4 and a half hours we were exhausted. Hailed a cab and headed to the liquor store to grab Craig's laundry.
Luckily it was there...no extra charge...we were gonna walk the last 3 blocks to the hotel but we had bags, so we called a cab that said they'd be there in 10 min. 20 min later we decided to walk anyways. We headed towards an underpass that looked quite sketchy and had furniture set up for whomever lived there at night. It reeked of urine and god knows what else. Defiantly a venture only to be accomplished while there's daylight. We walked passed a man that was behind a fence and he growled at us as we walked. Eyes straight ahead...no sudden movements. We got to the hotel safe and sound. We lay in each others arms and kissed and snuggled...The end of a wonderfully silly, sweet, romantic day.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
I couldn't ask for more
I'm finding bits of sunshine in my life due to the people that surround me. I am blessed to have quality friends and a wonderful family that backs me up no matter what. I couldn't ask for more.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
People
There are some people that are so miserable that they feed off your sorrow. They take advantage of you when your face is down in the dirt. Those people will never be happy. They suck the life out of everyone. They make life unbearable.
You know what I say to those people? FUCK YOU! At the top of my lungs because I am done being a punching bag. I know I'm an easy target being sensitive and fragile. I may be those things but I have strength in me that comes in my darkest hours. And there have been many.
I will not let these people ruin my progress. I am making something of myself and all on my own. I don't have anyone holding my hand. I have my immediate family beside me that have encouraged me to keep trying. But I also have family that just want to see me fail.
I won't let them win. I will ignore all harsh comments and ignore they're anger towards me because they are irrelevant. They are nothing in the scheme of things. I am strong and I will take this situation and rise so far above them it'll make their head spin.
You know what I say to those people? FUCK YOU! At the top of my lungs because I am done being a punching bag. I know I'm an easy target being sensitive and fragile. I may be those things but I have strength in me that comes in my darkest hours. And there have been many.
I will not let these people ruin my progress. I am making something of myself and all on my own. I don't have anyone holding my hand. I have my immediate family beside me that have encouraged me to keep trying. But I also have family that just want to see me fail.
I won't let them win. I will ignore all harsh comments and ignore they're anger towards me because they are irrelevant. They are nothing in the scheme of things. I am strong and I will take this situation and rise so far above them it'll make their head spin.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
A little hope
In the darkness that is my life a tiny glimmer has presented itself in the form of a promotion. This means I am not a failure. Well not in everything.
I obviously have some skill that is marketable. This glimmer makes me feel I can handle what is to come. I don't feel as desolate, as hopeless as I felt when I first began.
What I feel now is that, hope is real. Hope is something to live for. Because no matter how dark and desolate your life may seem, someone recognizes your efforts and takes notice. You are not a failure. You are strong and know what you are doing. The people from your past didn't see this. If they did they are the biggest idiots of all time for letting you go.
That is hope. Hope is what I live for. It is why I haven't given up.
I obviously have some skill that is marketable. This glimmer makes me feel I can handle what is to come. I don't feel as desolate, as hopeless as I felt when I first began.
What I feel now is that, hope is real. Hope is something to live for. Because no matter how dark and desolate your life may seem, someone recognizes your efforts and takes notice. You are not a failure. You are strong and know what you are doing. The people from your past didn't see this. If they did they are the biggest idiots of all time for letting you go.
That is hope. Hope is what I live for. It is why I haven't given up.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A glimpse
Pushing my entire life just to breathe, to hope that tomorrow will be the day that changes how I live. I feel like I only live in the moment when things are ok. When things go bad or stress me out I either live in the memory of things gone horribly wrong or in the future that hasn't Happened yet.
I want to live in the present all the time because what a waste of a life that isn't enjoying the here and now.
The hard thing about here and now is that it is real. There are no guises or pretences of what happened or what should happen. There's only truth and reality which scares most of us. I know I'm scared. I'm scared that who I think I am may not be what other people see. I feel I am losing myself in my sorrow. I honestly feel I am losing intelligence because I am wallowing in my past and the mistakes I've made.
What is the purpose of that? None. I am only losing myself little by little by holding onto things that I've failed at.
I wish I had answers. But I don't. All I have is now. What am I doing now to better my life? There's no one to blame because I am alone. They are my past and I now have complete control of my future. Only me. I should grasp this chance and change my life forever.
I want to live in the present all the time because what a waste of a life that isn't enjoying the here and now.
The hard thing about here and now is that it is real. There are no guises or pretences of what happened or what should happen. There's only truth and reality which scares most of us. I know I'm scared. I'm scared that who I think I am may not be what other people see. I feel I am losing myself in my sorrow. I honestly feel I am losing intelligence because I am wallowing in my past and the mistakes I've made.
What is the purpose of that? None. I am only losing myself little by little by holding onto things that I've failed at.
I wish I had answers. But I don't. All I have is now. What am I doing now to better my life? There's no one to blame because I am alone. They are my past and I now have complete control of my future. Only me. I should grasp this chance and change my life forever.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
People never mean what they say...
People never mean what they say, when they say they're there for you as long as you need they're lying. What they're actually saying is they're there for you until they feel like it inconveniences them. No one is truly helpful everyone is fake and selfish. Even my own flesh and blood, telling me I have time to sort my life out and then take it back after 1 month passes. Does anyone understand what has happened to me in my life? I've never had it easy, never been given chances. Never had anything given to me for free. All I am asking for is some patience and understanding a little more time.
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