Here

The last three days were the longest and toughest my mind have gone through in years. I drove across Canada with nothing but the dogs and the sound of my music playing. I had a lot of time to think and rethink everything I've done in my life, especially the last five years. I am sad that I am here in a different part of the country from the family I had. But at the same time I'm not. I don't know which feelings to choose. I keep bouncing back and fourth like a fucking yo-yo and can't find the answer. I think about how much I love Dan and how much fun we had together and how heart broken I am now. But then I think about all the shit he's put me through over the years. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I have issues and I'm sure i drove him crazy from time to time but I NEVER lied to him, I NEVER cheated on him, I NEVER kept secrets. I was loyal, faithful and loved him with all my heart and now he turns me away because "he needs time to think"??? How come every year or so he he needs time to think? How can I live with someone who makes me feel unwanted and then changes his mind and wants me back? How can I live with someone who puts me on the back burner every chance he gets? How can I live with someone who isn't proud of me? How can I live with someone who has secrets? The list goes on and on and now that I see it written down I feel strong again. I keep getting weak and regretting my decision but NO leaving was the right decision for me. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve a man who wants to introduce me to his friends and show me off. I deserve a man who keeps his promises and doesn't have an excuse ready every time he fails. I deserve to be loved. Not just when it's convenient but ALWAYS. I know I do. I just got to get past this fear, this god damned lump in my throat that tightens and makes it hard to breath. My family is here. They will make me see how loved I am. I'm so tired of giving and getting nothing back. And I'm done. I need to stay strong and stop falling back into these old feelings. He doesn't care. Actions speak louder than words and even though when he speaks he says nice things he never proves it. So I need to stop all this, he's already thrown in the towel. What else can I do? Now I'm here and he's there and that's that. The only chance we'd ever have is if he fights for me with grand actions and not just words, like driving out here and changing his life for me! But not today, Today I need to take care of me. I've been neglected for far to long and I won't stand for it anymore.