Be True to Me

From the first moment I looked into your eyes,
I knew with you there'd be no lies.
No questions asked your word would stand
it was then I decided to hold your hand.
On through forever I thought we would be
honest and true, but it was then I did see.
A cover you'd thrown over my eyes
for it was your faults you tried to disguise.
You hurt my soul, broke my heart;
Was this your intention from the very start?
Now all faults out in the open, I want to
forgive you, but is there a token?
Of love respect and honesty,
to let me know you'll always be,
true to yourself, true to me?
Then and only then will I open my heart
to let you fill that empty part
that was broken but I hope you see,
you must be true to me.

copyright 2000 - Christina Lavigne

My 28th year

So here it is, my birthday has passed and I'm getting started on my list of things. I have already gotten myself a gym membership and have been working out daily. I have a scanner ready to be hooked up so I can begin to finish that kids book.
On another note; I have been thinking about some of the decisions I make and am disappointed in the actions I take at times. I wish I had more will power to stand up for myself and do what I want to do rather than follow the crowd. I usually say what I need to say, but there isn't any follow through. I have pretty good instincts but don't listen to them. I have learned I should because by not following my instincts I end up in situations I don't like. I begin getting angry with myself which then in turn makes me get angry at those around me. This is not fair to them as it is my fault and I need to take responsibility for my own actions.

Just some quotes I like

Change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. - Life as a house movie quote

An idea is salvation by imagination - Frank Lloyd Wright

I passionately hate the idea of being with it. I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time. -Orson Welles

Art is anything you can get away with. - Andy Warhol

Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools - Napoleon

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get--only with what you are expecting to give. Which is everything. - Katharine Hepburn

- To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake. - Victor Hugo

Whatever thy hand findest to do, do it with all thy heart. - Jesus Christ

True friend

A good friend doesn't come around often
at least the ones who truely care
The ones who sacrifice their time to come to
your aid when no one else is there
Those are the ones you keep around
because only time will tell
if you'll be needed for their rescue
to be a good friend to them as well.

copyright 2008-Christina Lavigne

Dedicated to my friends, you know who you are.

In Love

One person has changed all things for me
Touched my heart and made me believe
that love is there waiting; just waiting for me
To see how life can truely be
Abstract, aware so inticing it is
Enthralled, I laugh just to kiss kiss kiss.
Mornings are great when a smile I see
Nights are better because arms enfold me
Love is here and here to stay
It makes me giddy and want to play
Play the fool play the part
Of a woman with a whole lot of love in her heart.

copyright 2008- Christina Lavigne

Nearing another year

I will be 28 in a week and am unsure of how I feel about this. I have made a lot of progress this past year. I have rid myself of most of the negativity and people who brought me down. I met Dan, I have a job I like and I am painting more than ever!
What I'm unsure of; well I just think I've let a lot of opportunity pass me by and I don't want to continue doing that. I am scared of failure, so scared that I just go day by day just being; rather than trying to be something better. I want to make my 28th year of living more than just another year. I have a goal list of achievements that I want to fulfill this coming year.
1. Finish the children's book that Jaana and I have started
2. Begin learning French
3. Take Dance lessons
4. Save $3000.00
5. Take a trip somewhere
This doesn't seem impossible to achieve now that I see it in type. So anyways, thats what I want out of this year, for myself. Of course there are personal achievements I want as well like learning more patience, learning to think before I speak, having more self-esteem, being confident in my relationship etc. Thats it, well here's to what I hope will be one of the better years of my life. I know who I am and I know what I want, thats the best start I can have!

Sadness

A sadness came over me this morning that is unexplainable. My heart feels heavy and empty. I want to understand where this depression comes from. It makes those around me sad or confused as to why I am this way. I truely can't explain it, I just feel it.
I feel like there is nothing in the world that could make me feel better and I want to just disappear. Nothing makes sense, all I want to do is cry.

Sadness again comes over me,
I feel at a loss as to why.
My soul aches and heart breaks,
I cannot find the strength to try.
Misery has been my blanket,
its been with me for so long.
I find it hard to think that,
I could ever be free from this wrong.
Is there any peace for someone like me?
Any hope for a rest from this pain?
One day I wish to be laughing and free
and never be depressed again.

Life and Death

I heard sad news today of my grandmother passing. It's strange to me because I have this saddness come over me even though I never really got to know her. Saddness because of death where there was life. I teared up for a moment, but the tears never fell. What does this mean? Does it mean she won't be missed? I think not. Every life has touched people in ways not ever known and she will be missed. My mother will miss her, her sons will miss her.
I hope this time of sorrow for those people close to her will go by and they will remember her as she was, a mother, a grandmother, a friend.

Living life

Yesterday was my day off and Dan and I went to get our poor little car fixed. We spent hours waiting around in the garage and then went for lunch. I love it that we can sit with each other and take in our companionship together without talking about useless stuff.
We seem to get an idea of what the other is thinking for the most part and often stare into each others eyes, mind you my eyes say a lot more than his. When I look at Dan I move over his face starting with his big brown eyes then onto his cheeks and his lips, his jaw. I love that he has masculine features but also has this softness to him that awes me.
When his eyes stare at me and they don't move over my face, they just seem to penetrate me and he says I say all I need to with my eyes. It's a marvalous wonder this thing we have between us, I'm so happy even when we are broke, even when things are difficult, he always finds a way to make me smile, and I can pick him up when he gets low as well. We balance each other so that we never are both down at the same time we take care of each other.

"Happiness is not the destination, but the journey."

That quote makes more sense to me now that I've stopped searching for happiness. Daily I think of all the things around me that I should appreciate and that I should be satisfied with. I used to be so negative and dwell on all things dark, I mean I still have that dark side and it mainly comes out in my art, but my overall daily living has improved. I truely believe that having someone who is supportive and confident and respectful in my life has changed me. He has made me look at myself differently, I am once again becoming confident and more self reliant. I love Dan so much, he's really my better half.

Walking through snow

So after work yesterday, my boyfriend Dan came so that he could walk home with me. The air was crisp and snow was falling gently. We held hands as he looked at me and said he doesn't get how cute I can be, which is probably the sweetest thing I've heard in awhile! As we continued walking down by the lake towards our place we were joking around and laughing I suddenly slipped hard and landed on my ass without spilling the drink I had in my hands! Both Dan and I broke out laughing so hard. It was quite humorous, the not so funny thing is the bruise now on my butt! Anyways, a fun way to end the evening.

Last night I had troubles sleeping. I was getting swamped with ideas for paintings and stories and whatever else. I tossed and turned all night, keeping poor Dan awake. So I finally gave up on trying to sleep and decided to finish up a painting of a fallen angel I had started. I can't wait to get more canvas, these ideas I had need to put down soon!!!

Another Day

Waking up and knowing that this day is not going to go as planned. Knowing that all things, especially luck will NOT go your way, makes it difficult to get out of bed. I am grateful that I have the few things around me to keep me sane. If I didn't the endless drama and chaos would have taken it's toll by now.
This quick description will give an insight into what living in my shoes would be like. Just beginning a new job so money not flowing in, my partner getting laid of for winter, bankrupt from previous misfortunes, barley making ends meet. This month is getting better so I get my hopes up and then...car breaks down! I almost laugh at all the mishaps and misfortunes in my life, most of which I will never devulge, but then I have to think about the good things and really stay positive for the blessings I have had.

An artists life

It has been said that art imitates life, it has also been said that life imitates art. I believe that art and creativity are directly linked to life because it is an expression, an understanding that gives us clues into realms not understood by daily living. By looking into a painting, hearing a beautiful song, seeing someone dance, you can find something within yourself. I find ideas and emotions in my mind that wouldn't be there unless I go to that place within me and breathe in the life all around. I become aware of the sounds and smells that are so intoxicating, I remind myself that all is good and that nothing is that bad to give up.

I have learned many things over the past few years that have taught me to appreciate the little things around me. I have learned to focus on being positive and surround myself with good people. I have finally found a man that is sincere and genuine and truely loves me for who I am. I am truely blessed to have gone through all that I have and survived to be here and say that there is definatly someone watching out for me.

"There is this entire life behind things, this incredibly benevolent force wanting me to know that there is no reason to be afraid...ever.
Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, and my heart's going to cave in..

My heart fills up like balloon thats about to burst, and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

quote from American Beauty