Nothing makes sense

There are moments in your life when you're at a standstill and nothing makes sense. You think you're striving for something but then you ask yourself why? What is the point of all this? Why can't I find happiness? Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this misery? It's all coming down on me, this darkness. I have moments of clarity and then it's gone. I'm strong and then I'm not. I feel like there's hope and then that to disappears. When will this end? It just feels relentless. I can't stand it.

Time is passing

It's been over a month now and I'm still struggling to figure out happiness in my own way. I'm finding it hard to focus on myself because whenever I do I just go back to old thoughts.

Doing well while at work, it keeps my mind occupied. Ive been spending time with various people to see if anyone interests me. Some do, I spent time with an old friend today and I wouldn't say it was exciting because it was more sad than anything but seeing his face comforted me in a way that I can't really put into words. He said things that made me wonder about my life even more than Ive already been for months.

I'm still sad. I miss Dan, I know he's lost but the man Ive loved for 5 years is still there somewhere even if he doesn't know it now. He tells me he loves me but is lost and hurting and doesn't have room for loving thoughts. And so I told him I'm lost to Dan, but the only thing that makes me sane is knowing I have love in my heart. I will never fight those feelings. All you need is love.

And I truly believe that. I have so much love that it spills out and touches people in a way I'm just starting to understand. I don't know what kind of effect I have on people and I don't think they know either until its over and all we are left with is our memories and thoughts.

That's really all we have isn't it?

Patterns

Trying to figure out my patterns and why I keep ending up in the same spot. I believe I just doubt myself so I go where it is comfortable which is silly, because how will I change my life if I keep heading down the same paths? I have weaknesses like drinking And drugs, I like these vices but those things hold me back from experiencing real life. I want to see so many things and accomplish so many things so why can't I just stick to making these changes? Why do I give up on myself so easily? It frustrates me because I know how far I could make it if I'd just stop fucking around and start really focusing. I need to stop making excuses about why I can't and say I can.

The one person...

feels like a lifetime has gone by
the emptiness fills me everyday
In silence mostly is how I sit
Even though I crave noise to distract
I turn to family to friends
Make my Job take up most of my time
My dogs only remind me of you
Every hand I see held
every kiss I see given
Makes me miss you more
You were my everything
to replace you is impossible
Nothing fills that space
I have ideas of where my life will be
But they are all so vague
I remember endless days
Where I'd look at you and feel love
I feel nothing now
I miss you my love its the only feeling that's clear
I'm lost without my partner
The one person I thought got me.

Starting to see

The madness is starting to subside. I'm starting to see me for who I really am. There isn't the noise of other people and their problems and the things I have to do for them, there's just me. I haven't taken care of me in years. I've been so concerned with everyone else I forgot that my life is important and I deserve every bit of happiness I can find. It's invigorating, and I can't wait to see where life takes me. I'm not worried anymore. I know I have so much to give that people fight over me. In the workplace in my personal life. That's all I've been hearing lately. It's amazing to know that I am special, I'm not a burden. Before I was sad because I wasn't myself. I was hiding behind this person that I had to be for other people and I was miserable. Never again will I sacrifice who I am just to make other people comfortable. I love and miss some of my past but if any part of that is to be a part of my future they've got to let me have my time. I have way to many goals and dreams to just sit on the sidelines anymore. I'm a warrior, an artist and poet. I have lots to show the world and there's no better time to do it.

Lyrics

I keep hearing these songs that describe how I feel or how I think he may feel and my emotions get the better of me. Here are some lyrics that I think would describe his feelings:
"I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end"

Here are some that would describe mine:
"Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am"

2nd day on the job

This is so frustrating going to work but not having anyone to come home to. I mean I have my brother but he's snuggling up to his wife and that makes me miss my man. I need to find things to do outside of work. Get involved in the community. But just like what happened in Ottawa I need to save funds and catch up on bills first. So I feel like I'm living in a dream the same dream I had 4 months ago. I know I can't expect immediate progress but living on a plateau is frustrating.

First weekend

So far this weekend has been good. Still missing Dan but having my family has definitely made it easier. My sister in law took me out and I danced and got drunk which was great. I had people paying attention to me and putting me first which made me feel special again. I'm not alone in this world there are lots of people who care. I think I'll be ok. One day we'll see what happens with Dan and I but for now he really didn't want me there and that hurt so I was angry and I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to be loved and when my mom looked at me with tears in her eyes I knew I have love in my life even if I don't have a man.

Waking up alone

I just woke up with tears streaming down my face. I gasped for breath trying to remember where I am. And then it all comes back to me. The love of my life wasn't sure if we had a future, said he needed time. With this time what did he do? He partied and expected me to stay there watching all of this go on, saying nothing. So I packed up and decided to move across the country because his behaviour hurt me so much I couldn't bare it anymore. Now he misses me which I knew he would because I'm amazing. I gave everything I had to that relationship even if it meant not making friends because I had a kid to take care of and a house to clean and dinner to cook after working 9 hours. Ya I would bitch about being unhappy and lonely because even though I was doing all of this I felt neglected and unappreciated. He didn't even respect me enough to call or text me for hours on end when he'd go out letting me think the worst and then giving me shit because I texted or called him throughout the night. That's called a relationship. You communicate because you care not because you have to.

So that's why he decided to take time, because he didn't like that I was unhappy. But Instead of trying to make me happy he thought about himself. Lets go to all these events without inviting her. Getting drunk with my new friends is way more important than fixing my 5 year relationship. She doesn't matter only I do.
God why couldn't he just be the same nice man I feel in love with? Who is this self centred party boy that he's become? It's sad and I feel for him because these so called friends won't last, they never do. They'll get sick of him or he'll get sick of them and then what? I hope one day he sees what's going on and figures out what he wants. All I can do is try to live my life and stop all of this obsessing. It's about me now, you know how hard it is to focus on myself when all I've done for years is care for others? Ahhh! I have to try.

Here

The last three days were the longest and toughest my mind have gone through in years. I drove across Canada with nothing but the dogs and the sound of my music playing. I had a lot of time to think and rethink everything I've done in my life, especially the last five years. I am sad that I am here in a different part of the country from the family I had. But at the same time I'm not. I don't know which feelings to choose. I keep bouncing back and fourth like a fucking yo-yo and can't find the answer. I think about how much I love Dan and how much fun we had together and how heart broken I am now. But then I think about all the shit he's put me through over the years. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I have issues and I'm sure i drove him crazy from time to time but I NEVER lied to him, I NEVER cheated on him, I NEVER kept secrets. I was loyal, faithful and loved him with all my heart and now he turns me away because "he needs time to think"??? How come every year or so he he needs time to think? How can I live with someone who makes me feel unwanted and then changes his mind and wants me back? How can I live with someone who puts me on the back burner every chance he gets? How can I live with someone who isn't proud of me? How can I live with someone who has secrets? The list goes on and on and now that I see it written down I feel strong again. I keep getting weak and regretting my decision but NO leaving was the right decision for me. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve a man who wants to introduce me to his friends and show me off. I deserve a man who keeps his promises and doesn't have an excuse ready every time he fails. I deserve to be loved. Not just when it's convenient but ALWAYS. I know I do. I just got to get past this fear, this god damned lump in my throat that tightens and makes it hard to breath. My family is here. They will make me see how loved I am. I'm so tired of giving and getting nothing back. And I'm done. I need to stay strong and stop falling back into these old feelings. He doesn't care. Actions speak louder than words and even though when he speaks he says nice things he never proves it. So I need to stop all this, he's already thrown in the towel. What else can I do? Now I'm here and he's there and that's that. The only chance we'd ever have is if he fights for me with grand actions and not just words, like driving out here and changing his life for me! But not today, Today I need to take care of me. I've been neglected for far to long and I won't stand for it anymore.

Last night here

I'm sitting here alone, sad, frustrated that this life I had has come to an end. Dan is out as usual and that hurts that he can just move on with life, easily it seems. Who knows what goes on in his head. I know he's sad but I don't think he's feeling this like I am. I'm scared and worried about this trip about driving alone about being alone about losing myself in my thoughts. People keep telling me how strong I am for standing up for myself and taking this leap of faith but I don't feel strong. I feel weak. I feel sick to my stomach. I love Dan with every part of my heart and that's the scariest part of all of this. Will I find him again? If not will I ever love again? I've been betrayed so many times I don't know how I could trust anyone with my heart. It's broken into tiny fragments and I don't know if I'll ever pick up all the pieces.

So little time...

Kassy Joanne and I spent last night laughing and talking about when we were teenagers and all the crazy antics we did back then. We laughed at the dogs and reminisced about them as puppies and how cute they were and are. We watched X factor and sang along to the music and then we all cried. Joanne fell into my arms and told me she's been holding it together for me but it all became real last night we held each other for several minutes and consoled each other. Kassy went running up to her room and hid in her closet where I found her crying on the floor. I wrapped her up in my arms and told her I love her and will always be there for her if she ever needs me. I let her and the dogs sleep in my bed with me and Kassy and I stayed up talking until 11. It was a sweet but sad night. Dan called me this morning and told me he misses me and loves me. Something he hasn't said in weeks. I laughed because I didn't know what to think but ended up saying I love you to.

Two days left

I've said my goodbyes to all the people I've worked with over the past 5 years. It's sad to go as I've made friendships and connections with a lot of these people and am leaving a career I've worked hard towards for a long time. But the great news is a company in Calgary has called my references and has offered me a job. They haven't decided what position yet as I think once I'm there I'll have a choice, which is exciting. My district manager gave me rave reviews and the general manager out there said "to whom shall I send the gift for getting such an experienced person" lol. That makes me feel fantastic. So all is not lost, I get to spend time with my family, I get to gain independence and inner strength, and I get to start a new career which may change my life. I will miss Dan and Kassy so much but if life wants me to be part of their family again it'll lead me to them or them to me. Life works in mysterious ways.

A hand on my skin

I walked through the door last night and was greeted by Oli and Jaz, excited and smiling and tail waging as always. It's such a joy to have them. Dan walks around the corner looks at me for a moment and smiles and walks towards me puts his hand through my hair and down my cheek and pulls me in for a kiss. "Hello" he says. "Hi" I say. I know there is love between us. It's undeniable, I feel the charge when we stand close and look into each others eyes. I need his hands on my skin. I need the warmth of his love in my heart. Why can't things be simple?

Tick tock

I feel every minute go by as if my life is coming to an end. I know there's a light at the end this tunnel but right now all I see is darkness. I'm surrounded by it. I can't see my future or even what will happen a week from now. It's nerve wracking but at the same time liberating. There's endless possibilities of what may come. I just hope I survive this tunnel. Tick tock tick tock, I can feel every second. I'm taking in every moment I have left here.

Less than 10 days

The count down has begun. I'm scared as hell about driving alone but it's got to be done. James said if he could he'd fly up just to drive with me. How sweet is that? I asked Dan today if he believes in second chances. He said "if we were meant to be we'll be." I said "I've heard a lot of that lately but do you believe that in your heart...about us?" he said "well I haven't had a chance to miss you yet." Lol. I've reserved the u-haul and have started going through things in the basement. Seeing pieces of my life that I have organized into seasons, knowing I will never see them again. Strange isn't it? Looking at a life that you had, that is still tangible and yet knowing you will part ways. I don't know how to part with pictures and scrap books but at the same time do I want to be reminded of all this? Of this life that no longer exists? I just want this to be over with. I want to see where life takes me, where I'll end up.

So much...

It's all really starting to sink in. I'm leaving. My stomach is in knots, I've been shaking whenever I eat. I don't what to do. I know I have to go but it's so scary. I know things will feel strange for awhile and hopefully being with my family will ease this a bit but fuck!!! I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Knowing we love each other and we just can't get it together sucks. On our way home from Kingston we both were silent and then we'd look at each other and I know he's feeling this as much as I am. It's torture loving someone and knowing we have to part. I know obsessing about it isn't doing me any good, but that's all my mind will let me think about. So much of our lives were beautiful, we still laugh and hug and even kiss. My girlfriend thinks the second I drive away he'll understand truly what has happened to us. And as mom says if he loves me he can prove to me he's certain he wants me by coming to get me. If you love something, let it go, if it is meant to be it'll find you.

This morning

Dan and I snuggled all night last night. We got up together and he looked at me and said "why couldn't you just stay in Ottawa while I figured stuff out?" I said "why do you love me again?" He said "I've always loved you. I didn't think you'd pick up and move across the country." I said "well this isn't the first time you were unsure of us and now it's to late. Maybe time apart will make us stronger and if you really want me then you'll figure out what is important to you and come get me." He said "that's beautiful."

Every moment

I saw Dan last night for the first time in days. He looks at me smiles and shoves me in a playful way. We watch tv and order pizza and sit in silence. We slept in the same bed because the couch is hurting his back. He sneaked his toes towards mine and wrapped my feet in his. This morning he gets up to work is about to leave, comes over to the side of the bed sits down and puts his head on my belly, lays there for a minute and then gets up walks out and says "bye Christina". I texted him about an hour later saying "when I look at you all I want to do is kiss you, hug you and love you. I'm sorry I feel this way." He texts back "don't be sorry I feel the same way". Every moment I spend with him reminds me how much I love him and it kills me to know that I won't see him for however long after I leave. What are we doing? What is he thinking?

Reminiscing

I just went back over the years I've been blogging and all the beautiful moments I've captured in word and picture. Isn't it crazy how you see your life differently when it's written versus memory. Dan and I have had our ups and downs but they make for a beautiful story and it saddens me that its come to an end. I still dream about him and think maybe one day he'll come back to me but I'm sure that's the stuff of fairy tales not of real life.

Another day gone

Every morning I wake up with my pillow soaked from all the tears I've cried. Frustrated that I'm living like this. Dan called me yesterday and we talked for 40 minutes about lots of stuff. He told me he knows its over but loves me and cares about me. I asked him why he stared at me the other day and he said "because you're beautiful Christina, you're a beautiful person". I said ok then why are we breaking up. And he said "because you drive me crazy". Do you know how many times he's driven me up the wall? How many times I've had to bite my lip because I just wanted to scream at him? But love forgives all those shortcomings, or so I thought. I hate this. I just want to be with him and he with me. No one will understand, everyone thinks I should get over him but I don't want to quit yet.

Laying In bed

Just laying here with my dogs wondering what today will bring. Got to go look at places to live. This really sucks. I don't want to start from scratch again. Dan and I actually had fun last night. He had to leave for work but we laughed and I caught him starring at me several times. So what am I doing? Have no clue.

The end of one life

It all happened so fast. I still am whirling with disbelief that the man I love decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's weird how one minute you can look ahead and see a clear future. Where you'll get married, buy a house, retire. Then in a flash all is ripped right out from beneath you. I've cried so many tears to the point of exhaustion. Made myself sick from not eating and drinking myself into a stuper. Running around trying to find someone to listen to me sob and help me make sense of this madness. But nothing helps, no one can make sense. He himself can't make sense. Tells me he still loves and will live to regret this but still stands firm on not wanting me here. When did it go wrong? I know I'm difficult and not trusting and sensitive but so much so to drive the man I love away? Or is it just him? Scared of growing up, scared of having responsibility? He tells me I always get my way and when I look back that is not true at all. I followed him through jobs, backed him up when he wanted his daughter with us and even though I changed cities for him he clearly doesn't see the sacrifices I've made in the name of love. All he sees is my sadness at not having anyone to talk to. My complaining when his daughter wouldn't listen to me. I just thought him loving me meant loving me, no matter what. I thought he being my best friend would allow me to vent when i was frustrated. Now I feel betrayed because he promised he'd never hurt me again and now he's pushing me away without really giving me a reason. I'm depressed and sick and tired of giving all of myself and then getting pushed away when the going gets a little tough. Is there anyone out there that will just love me? For who I am?

Dans 31st

We had a simple party at Dans dads out in Lynn. Some friends came down from Kingston and Barrie. I got dollar store decorations, disco ball, transformers picture backdrop, whooping cushion and cheesy sunglasses for fun.

Museum

Kassy Dan and I finally went to do something fun in Ottawa and we went to the museum of nature. Here are some pictures of the amazing things we saw...

Our home

We have only been in Ottawa a month but Dan and I have always liked sprucing up even our rentals to feel like home, here are a few pictures o the little touches we've done so far....

New home

We've moved! Ottawa is now our new home and we're thrilled about the life change. Here are some pictures of our new place.

ENGAGED!!!!

Dan prosposed to me on our 5 year anniversary, we went to our favorite restaurant "Aqua Terra" and had an amazing meal of lobster ravioli and steak, bottle of wine and amazing apptizers compliments of the chef. I kept asking Dan if he wanted his gift and he kept saying "no lets just wait a bit". So we ate our dinner slowly enjoying each others company while gazing out over the beautiful Kingston water front. Finally once our plates were cleared I couldn't wait anymore to give Dan his gift. I bought him a solid Titanium Citizens watch, that is waterproof has a chronograph and charges by light. He was so happy, he out it on grinning ear to ear. He then pulled out a black box from his pocket, got down on one knee and said "Christina you are so special to me, I love you, will you marry me?" I started crying and laughing all at the same time and grabbed him an hugged him and told him to get up get up get get up! He sits back down and says " you haven't said anything yet." I said "oh my god I didn't? Yes yes yes!!!" and we kissed and the waitress came over with champagne and offered us free desert which we declined as my stomach was in knots. We left the restaurant an Dan asked me if I wanted to show my ring off to Morganne. I said sure, we get to her house and walk in an there stands all of my friends waiting for us. They all yell out " CONGRATULATIONS!"
I cried again saying "you bunch of assholes! I can't believe this...is amazing I love you" Dan and I did the crowd pleasing kiss and then we partied! Best night of my life!

May 24 family camping trip

We had so much fun, I can't believe we haven't camped like this in so long. You are all so amazing and beautiful and we love you.

Cuba January 2012

We stayed in Varadero Cuba, in hotel Kawama. Our hotel was one of the older more run down places but it was just a place to sleep. The beaches were amazing, and the views spectacular. The food wasn't to my liking and I got sick several times but Dan had no issues. We rented a scooter for two days and went touring all over the peninsula and then way out in the boonies into farm land. It was really something. Enjoy the pictures...I have more to come.